One of the biggest takeaways from the first 5 weeks is that there are a lot of really shitty football teams in the NFL. There are currently still 4 winless teams in the league and there would likely be one more if the Cardinals didn’t play the Bengals this week. The Jets, Dolphins, Redskins, and Bengals are all still stuck on 0 wins. I honestly do not believe the Jets are in the same category as the other 3 because they have been horribly plagued by injuries so far. They get Sam back this week and CJ Mosley is not too far behind. The other 3 teams are fucking awful and it does not look to be getting better for them anytime soon.
On the other end of the spectrum, the NFL may be more wide open than it has been in years. A blueprint seems to have been developed for slowing down Pat Mahomes and the Chiefs and the Pats offense has sputtered at times so far this year. The NFC is wide the fuck open with so many really good teams as well. At this point I really can make a case for 8 teams to win the NFC Championship and there are 2 or 3 other teams that can each pull huge upsets at any point in the season or playoffs. The next 12 weeks are going to be fucking crazy!
1-New England Patriots-The only remaining undefeated team in football remains at the top of this week’s rankings. They still have not allowed a pass TD this year although they have faced a few QBs who may not even start in the fucking CFL. It doesn’t get much more difficult for the defending champs either as they don’t face a team above .500 for another 4 weeks, and at that point the Ravens may be below .500 as well. I am not yet a believer in the Bills so the path to another AFC East title is clear as day for the Pats.
2-Kansas City Chiefs-Yes they lost at home to the Colts, and yes the offense looked bad in the second half, but I really think Mahomes was not the same after turning his ankle. He missed 5 or 6 throws he never misses down the sideline and he was very obviously less mobile after the injury. At this point the Chiefs need to get healthy as fast as possible. Both RBs seem banged up, Tyreek Hill and now Sammy Watkins are both hurt and they need these weapons to move the ball like they did last year. I think they get right this week and drop a 50 burger on the Texans.
3-Green Bay Packers-If Aaron Jones can run the ball like they did this past week for the rest of the season the Packers may not lose another game. If Aaron Rodgers has a running game to rely on it will open everything up downfield for him and this offense will be fucking scary. The defense looked good again against the Cowboys and the Packers are clicking on all cylinders right now!
4-New Orleans Saints-Teddy Bridgewater is making himself A LOT of fucking money right now. He is slinging it all over the field and he is 3-0 as the starter for a Saints team that was deemed dead after the injury to Brees. The defense is starting to come together and Lattimore is starting to get hot again as he held Mike Evans to 0 catches. Mike Evans is a star in this league and Marshon shut his ass down all fucking day. The NFC South is shaping up to be a battle between backup QBs…at least for now.
5-Seattle Seahawks-Russell Wilson is a bad fucking man! He does not make the best throws of any QB in the NFL, but he definitely makes the most plays of any QB in the NFL. He is slippery as fuck in the pocket and always finds a way to escape and find an open man. The defense is also starting to come together at the right time and the Seahawks are at 4-1 and right in the thick of the race in the NFC.
6-San Francisco 49ers-The 49ers are 4-0 and the defense fucks! The run game is now awesome with Breida and Tevin Coleman sharing the load, but the one question is Jimmy G. He has 5 TOs through 4 games and the Niners will not stay undefeated for long with that turnover rate. The defense and run game are so effective for this team that all Jimmy G. needs to do is not turn the ball over and the Niners will be a scary team come playoff time.
7-Los Angeles Rams-Jared Goff is a little out of wack right now, but he will get his shit together at some point. The bigger problem right now is the defense that looked awesome in the first 3 weeks. They get a showdown at home this week against the 49ers that will really test the defense because the Niners are going to try and run the fuck out of the ball. If the Rams can’t stop them it is going to be long fucking night for a team in desperate need of a win.
8-Philadelphia Eagles-I know it was the Jets and a third string QB who didn’t even take first team reps all week but the defense looked a lot better. The run game is working and Carson Wentz is making all the right plays and the Eagles are now tied for first in the NFC East. We will see what the offense is all about this week as they travel to Minnesota for a match-up against a real good defense.
9-Chicago Bears-I do not truly believe the Bears are as bad as they played this past week. Chase Daniel is not the guy and as much as they complained about Mitch at the start of the season they are fucking ITCHING for him to come back. The defense got destroyed by Josh Jacobs to the tune of 123 yards and 2 TDs. It did not help that the Raiders held almost a full 10 minute advantage in time of possession, but that’s what happend when you have a completely hapless offense. They made a comeback in the 2nd half, but they need Mitch back soon!
10-Carolina Panthers-The league MVP through 5 weeks is undoubtedly Christian McCaffrey! He is currently averaging more yards per series than the entire Jets team! He has more yards than Gurley and Zeke (“Best RB in the NFL”) combined! He is big, he is strong and he has breakaway speed! He catches passes out of the backfield and he is as durable as it gets. Kyle Allen is performing admirably as the new starter, but this team runs on CMC and defense!
11-Detroit Lions-The Lions drop a few spots this week as a few times behind them had some big wins this week, but I still actually really like this Lions team. Stafford is playing as good as he ever has, and that might have to do with the fact that he finally has a solid RB to rely on. The defense is awesome and Patricia has now, in back to back seasons, showed teams how they can gameplan to beat the Pats and Chiefs. Quite a feat for a second year HC who “lost the locker room” last year.
12-Indianapolis Colts-The Colts are by far the biggest jumpers of the week this week. That happens after you beat the Chiefs, no matter how it happens. The defense looked good and if the Colts can get Marlon Mack running the ball like they did on Sunday night they will be a tough team to beat this year. Brissett has made plenty of Colts fans forget about Andrew Luck as he has them in prime position to win the AFC South.
13-Buffalo Bills-I am not all in on the Bills! Josh Allen is NOT good, change my mind! Yes I know he threw 2 TDs this past week but he also added to his Int total and is now tied for second in the league in interceptions. He is not the fucking guy Buffalo! I admire how you get behind your guys, but this guy is just another Jamarcus Russell who will drive Bills fans crazy once they play good teams and he throws a game losing pick. The defense absolutely FUCKS but the offense is hot fucking garbage!
14-Dallas Cowboys-Like the Bills, the Cowboys have not beaten an even decent team this year. Their 3 wins are against the Giants led by Eli, the Redskins, and the Dolphins. For those counting those 3 teams have a combined record of 2-12. Their 2 losses are against the only 2 teams they have played that are above .500. They may not be this low, but they got straight fucking embarrassed this week at home against the Packers. Not a good look for Dak who bet on himself to get a contract extension.
15-Minnesota Vikings-Kirk Cousins shat all over the Giants this week and if you did not see that game coming you don’t know shit about football. The Vikings have all pieces to be a very good football team, but Cousins has been holding them back. Dalvin Cook is a fucking beast and they have the weapons on the outside, but Cousins has been having issues getting the ball there. If Cousins can figure it out, look for the Vikings to make a real run at the playoffs this year.
16-Oakland Raiders-Jon Gruden is on to something in Oakland! This team has won 2 games in a row that no one really gave them a chance in and they are doing it on the back of a rookie RB and a receiving core of nobodies! Jacobs is fucking killing it and has to be the favorite for Offensive ROY. Carr is doing exactly what he needs to be doing which is picking his spots and taking care of the ball. With the AFC Wild Cards seemingly wide open watch out for the Raiders!
17-Houston Texans-They beat a really bad Falcons team this week. That does not impress me. The OL is still complete dogshit and they will not beat good teams until they get that fixed. Watson played great but Fuller is not going to 200+ and 3 TDs every week. For some reason they are still giving Carlos Hyde more touches than Duke Johnson and I’m not sure Bill O’Brien has a fucking clue what he is doing.
18-Baltimore Ravens-The Ravens are a fucking bad football team! They almost got beat by a third string QB who went to fucking Samford! The defense cannot cover and they cannot stop the run. The offense is too reliant upon the run but they do not have that great of a run game. Their 3 wins are against teams with a combined 2-11-1 record and all 3 of those teams have rookie head coaches and were starting backup or rookie QBs. They may win the North but boy it will not be fucking pretty!
19-Los Angeles Chargers-The Chargers straight fucking blow right now. There are no two ways around it, but if you have been watching football at all since Rivers has been a Charger this is nothing new. The Chargers always start the season like they forgot how to play football in the offseason. Then they hit their stride and end the season on fucking fire. That is the most likely scenario again because they will get healthy and Okung will make all the difference for Rivers while Derwin James will have a huge impact on the defense.
20-Cleveland Browns-The Browns got battered around last night, but they are better than they were last night. That dropped Callaway TD turned Int changed the whole game. That TD would have made it 14-10, but instead the Niners returned it into Browns territory and scored making it a 14 point swing and essentiall ending the game. They really need an OL and Trent Williams is dying to get out of Washingon. It could happen! Other than that, Baker will find his groove and I like the Browns to make a run at the North.
21-Jacksonville Jaguars-The Jaguars are really not a good football team but fuck are they fun to watch! Gardner is electric and the playmakers on the outside are fucking dynamic! The defense is exciting with Josh Allen but they just are not as good as they have been. This ain’t the year, but the AFC South may be ruled by Minshew Mania for years to come!
22-Tampa Bay Buccaneers-The Bucs executed their gameplan almost to perfection on Sunday. They wanted to take Kamara out of the game and make Teddy beat them. They did just that and held Kamara to less than 4 YPC. What they did not plan on was Teddy slinging his huge johnson all over the secondary and surrendering 314 yards in the air and 4 TDs. This team is actually almost there, but this is probably not the year.
23-Tennessee Titans-Mariota still fucking blows, but this one was more on the OL than anything. Marcus didn’t play great but he may have been able to make a few more plays if the OL did fucking anything on Sunday. It also does not help that Bills Mafia embarrassed the Titan fans and completely took over Nissan Stadium. The Titans are fucked!
24-New York Giants-Danny Dimes came back down to earth this week and finally we can have a week where every “expert” doesn’t slobber on his dick. Like I said last week, the Giants are still a dogshit football team and they will not win more than 5 or 6 games this year.
25-Pittsburgh Steelers-Say what you will, but Mike Tomlin is a fucking awesome coach and if Pittsburgh ever fires him I want the Jets to drop whatever fucking schmuck they have and grab this guy. They are 1-4 and they fucking suck, but goddamn they compete in every single game! There is something to be said about a team who is supposed to lose but plays their asses off every week compared to a team like the Dolphins or Redskins who just roll over and fucking die.
26-Arizona Cardinals-Kliff and Kyler got their first win together this week! It was against the Bengals and they almost fucking blew it, but in this league a win is a fucking win. Kyler looks more comfortable week after week and he may actually find his place in this league. Kliff also does not seem like such a bad idea for a coach because the offense has looked solid, not good, but solid through 5 weeks.
27-Atlanta Falcons-THE FALCONS ARE FUCKING AWFUL!! Dan Quinn needs to go because this guy obviously cannot coach for shit! They have a former MVP, a top 3 receiver in football, a top 7 TE in football and and an All-Pro RB and he still can’t score enough points to win games. He will probably be the next to go with Gruden already gonezo! BYE DAN!
28-Denver Broncos-Denver actually got a big win this weekend and saved their season. With the crazy AFC so far, Wild Card spots are up in the air and 1-4 teams may be able to make a run at it. The defense looked great and the offense looked better. Philip Lindsay needs way more touches than he is currently getting considering he is averaging almost 5 YPC. If he gets the rock 18-22 times per game the Broncos will be wayyy better off than they are with Flacco throwing the ball.
29-New York Jets-The Jets are finally starting to get healthy as they will get Sam Darnold back and Mosley should be coming back soon as well. The Jets are not near as bad as their 0-4 record indicates they might be. They have Leveon, they are getting Sam back, and the OL will improve at some point. Watch out for the Jets with one of the easiest 2nd half schedules in the NFL.
30-Cincinnati Bengals-The Bengals, once again, came within 1 score of winning their first game under first year coach Zac Taylor. They are bad because they are all losses, but you could literally swap them with Buffalo and I would not be surprised. The Bengals could easily be 3-2 while the Bills could easily be 1-4. So like I said, they are a bad football team, but if a few balls bounce a different way we may be singing a different tune about them.
31-Washington Redskins-If the Dolphins were not actively trying to be the worst team in NFL history the Redskins would be a surefire bet for dead last. As it is, they are better on the field than the Dolphins but only by a hair. They were the first team to hold a lead against NE this year even if it was extremely short lived. They also fired their coach at 6 in the morning on Monday. This team sucks and we may have the worst match-up in NFL history on out hands this coming week.
32-Miami Dolphins-Still a fucking dumpster fire after the bye! Even after the bye they head into week 6 with the worst scoring differential in the NFL by 60 fucking points! They are historically bad and it will be really embarrassing if they lose to the Skins by double digits.
I am only sure of 3 things so far this year. The Pats and Chiefs are good, the Dolphins and Redskins fucking blow, and CMC is the BEST RB IN FOOTBALL!