After Week 3 of the NFL season you pretty much know which teams are really good, and which teams are going to fucking blow this year. There are a lot of teams that look like they fucking blow this year. There are also some teams with 1-2 records that do actually have a chance to turn it around at some point. It was another awesome week of football though no matter how you look at it. Danny Dimes is here to stay, the Browns might still suck, and the 49ers are 3-0 for the first time in over 20 years!
1-New England Patriots-They did what they were supposed to do against the Jets 3rd string QB who looks like a broke ass version of Chad Pennington. The most surprising stat about the Pats so far this year is that they are the first defense to not allow a touchdown through their first 3 games of the season. That says something about how good they have been. I know they have played the Dolphins and the Jets, but not allowing a TD at all is still ridiculous no matter how you fucking slice it. Jarret Stidham saw his first action and it was not great. He threw a pick-6 on his first drive and was immediately pulled for Brady. Belichick was not playing those dumbass games anymore. The Pats look like they are on a warpath with the Chiefs for an AFC Championship rematch.
2-Kansas City Chiefs-Kansas City looked great again in their home opener against the Ravens. The Chiefs thoroughly outplayed the Ravens in this one. They were up 30-13 at the end of the 3rd quarter and then let up off the gas a little. That gave the Ravens a chance to make it look close while it really was not that close. Jackson only completed 22/43 passes and was sacked 3 times. The defense still has room for improvement but the offense is almost flawless led by Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs are ready for a shot in the Super Bowl!
3-Los Angeles Rams-The Rams have not looked as explosive as they did last year, but they still look like the class of the NFC. Goff has looked real good and it looks like he is real fuckin happy to have Cooper Kupp back this year. Kupp is 11th in receiving yards and 5th in receptions in the NFL this year. The real story with the Rams is that fucking defense! That defense led by the freak Aaron Donald has been stout this year. They are 3rd in the NFL in yards allowed and 7th in points allowed at 16.3 PPG. If Gurley gets healthy and this defense continues playing like this, the Rams will find themselves in the Super Bowl again.
4-Green Bay Packers-This defense is probably the most improved defense in the NFL. The Packers finished 2018 22nd in points allowed per game. They are currently 2nd in that category. They have forced 8 turnovers and are tops in the league in turnover differential through 3 games. With Aaron Rodgers as your QB, if this defense keeps this up they will give the Rams a real run for their money in January.
5-Dallas Cowboys-The Cowboys are 3-0 and everyone has really looked great so far, but their wins are not very convincing. The combined record of their opponents this season is 1-8 after beating the Giants, Redskins, and Dolphins. They will be able to prove themselves over the next 2 weeks against a Saints team that looked surprisingly good this week and the Packers. If Dak takes care of the ball and Zeke keeps finding holes to run through they will continue their success.
6-San Francisco 49ers-The 49ers may have played a schedule similar to the Cowboys this year but I’m not sure anyone expected them to win all 3. They are top 10 in offensive yards per game, points per game, defensive yards per game, and points per game. That is hard to ignore when ranking these teams. They have relied on the run game using Breida, Mostert, and Jeff Wilson Jr. to control games as they currently sit at 4th in the NFL in rushing yards per game. We knew the defense was going to be good and if the offense can limit the turnovers (unlike this week when they turned it over 5 fucking times!) they can will make a run at the playoffs.
7-New Orleans Saints-Everyone knew what the game plan would be with Drew Brees sidelined. Get the ball to Alvin Kamara. Well they did, and it worked. Kamara had 25 touches for 161 yards and 2 TDs on Sunday. He is going to have to be huge like that while Brees is out. The NFC South is wide open and the Saints can still run away with it even while Brees is out.
8-Detroit Lions-Matt Patricia has something working with this team. They are not in the top 10 in really any offensive or defensive categories that matter, but they are still 2-0-1. The two teams they beat were playoff teams from last year and are expected to be playoff teams this year. They got a little lucky this week as Philly dropped 8 passes, including what would have been the GW TD. As it is though, Detroit is still undefeated.
9-Baltimore Ravens-Baltimore is good. They can run the ball and the defense is solid enough, but I think the jury is still out on them. The score on Sunday did not indicate how shitty they looked for 3 quarters against KC. Lamar came to life in the 4th to make it look close, but that’s not something they can rely on. Their 2 wins are against 2 winless teams and I am just not sure they are actually good yet.
10-Buffalo Bills-There is no denying that the Bills are 3-0 with 2 of those being road games against the Jets and Giants. They could just as easily be 1-2 though. The defense looks really good. Tre’Davious White may be the best corner in football this year too. Josh Allen needs to cut down on the turnovers for the Bills to compete all year, but at this point, there is no reason to believe they can’t make a run at the playoffs.
11-Indianapolis Colts-The Colts are an OT loss in LA away from being 3-0. Brissett has been phenomenal this year and Marlon Mack looks like the consistent runner they need to keep defenses on their toes. It will suck if TY misses time, but I feel like Brissett will be able to find a way. I think the Colts have the best shot at running away with this division and absolutely no one would have said that about a month ago.
12-Philadelphia Eagles-Carson Wentz is doing what he can with what he has right now. The Eagles have 11 drops this year and are really missing Alshon Jeffrey and Desean Jackson. Along with that Miles Sanders is miles better than Jordan Howard and Sproles, but for some reason Pederson keeps mixing in those fuckin chodes. The Eagles will be fine once they get healthy.
13-Minnesota Vikings-Dalvin Cook is a fucking monster! There are no two ways around it. The guy is an absolute freak and the Vikings need to keep riding him as long as they can. Captain Kirk is a dildo and should not be throwing the ball more than 20-25 times a game. Defense and Dalvin is all the Vikings need!
14-Houston Texans-The Texans picked up a big road win this week in LA. Deshaun Watson looked awesome and the defense did enough to get out of there with a win. One problem I am seeing is even though the other receivers are performing, they need to get Hopkins more involved. He is a top 5 WR in football and needs plenty of targets. The OL still looks like ass and may be their undoing at some point this season.
15-Chicago Bears-Before last night, the Bears offense has looked fucking awful! Matt Nagy is a complete moron and does not know who his best players are. Mitch threw 3 TDs, but it was against the Redskins and I will need to see at least two more games like last night before I jump back on the bandwagon. If Nagy can’t figure out who needs the ball on offense in tough games the Bears are fucking doomed.
16-Seattle Seahawks-Good teams do not get blown the fuck out at home by backup QBs! Let me repeat that. Good teams do not get blown the fuck out at home by backup QBs. The Seahawks defense is in big fucking trouble. They can’t stop anything. Their two wins are by a combined 3 points and one of those wins was against a backup QB. Russell Wilson can only do so much and they are fucked if they defense can’t get it together.
17-Los Angeles Chargers-Phillip Rivers misses Russell Okung more than Melvin Gordon right about now. Rivers has been sacked 10 times through 3 games after being sacked 32 times all of last season. Right now he is on pace to be sacked over 50 fucking times! That is a lot of hits for an old ass man like Rivers to take. They also terribly miss Derwin James in the secondary. Watson threw for 350 this week agasint them and that is with Hopkins having only 67 yards. If they can stick it out for another 5-6 weeks, they may get both of these guys back and make a run at the playoffs.
18-Cleveland Browns-Freddie Kitchens may have made the worst play call we ever saw the other night. A 4th and 9 draw. What a dumbass! Draw plays don’t fucking work on any down except 3rd and long! He was calling awful plays all night anyway, but outside of the bad play calling the Browns OL sucks. Baker is rushed into 40% of his throws and he doesn’t always make the right decision. A depleted defense did everything they could but you cannot score 13 points in an NFL game and expect to win.
19-Jacksonville Jaguars-Gardner Minshew is fucking electric, don’t get me wrong, but he is not the guy to lead this team to the playoffs though. This is a talented roster but Nick Foles is the best QB they have and they will not make any noise until he comes back. Add in the Jalen Ramsey drama and they may not make the playoffs regardless. Figure it the fuck out Jacksonville.
20-Atlanta Falcons-This has to be the most underachieving team ever fucking assembled! Matt Ryan is an asshole and the Falcons hate using their 3 most talented players. The Falcons may also be the worst coached team in the league. They are tied for tops in the league for most penalties against which is not a good sign for a guy who has been coaching this team for 4+ years. They still have time to get it together in a wide open division, but every time you think this team will turn a corner, they just let you down.
21-Tennessee Titans-Mariota just is not going to fucking cut it. He can’t throw the ball. He misses simple throws on a weekly basis. Throws that Mahomes and Rodgers can make left handed, can’t be made by this fucking guy. Him not being able to throw allows defenses to stack the box and it it’s just a mess for a stud like Henry. I don’t think Tannehill is the answer but he cannot be any goddamn worse than what they have now.
22-New York Giants-Let’s slow the fuck down on Danny Dimes right now. He had a GREAT debut against a fuckin AWFUL defense. Let’s not act like he made any throws that wowed us or anything like that. He made good throws to open receivers and he ran when needed to. He is solid but for someone like Rex Ryan to dub him the best QB in NY is FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS! He has a chance to be real good, but let’s slow the fuck down after 1 game. The defense still fucking blows and Danny Dimes will have to prove himself against some stiffer competition than the Bucs.
23-Oakland Raiders-The Raiders have some talent on their roster, but it is real hard to use that talent when your OL can’t block for shit! Tyrell had a tough matchup with Rhodes this week and the Vikings have a solid front 7 that made it hard for Jacobs to find any room. The Raiders do not have a game in Oakland until November 3rd and they are fucked because all of these games are against teams competing for a playoff spot.
24-Tampa Bay Buccaneers-6 inches away from being about 10 spots higher on this list. Bruce Arians can sit his dumbass right next to Kitchens because thinking your kicker is better from further back is a terrible take. Jameis and the offense played well for the first half, then they throttled back and let the Giants crawl back into it before Danny Dimes stole it right out their hands. The talent is there, but execution absolutely needs to be better. Also, stop with fucking Peyton Barber! Ronald Jones is twice the runner that chode is!
25-Carolina Panthers-Kyle Allen led what looked like an electric offense this week and now Cam is out for 1-2 months and it looks like this is Kyle Allen’s offense for the time being! It was against the booty ass Cardinals defense, but that offense looked sharp. Scoring consistently in the Red Zone, McCaffrey picking up huge chunks of yards, and the ability to hit guys downfield was something Panthers fan have not seen in a long time. Again, playing in a wide open division gives everyone hope, but I don’t think the Panthers have the firepower to make a run at it this year.
26-Arizona Cardinals-They do not have a win yet, but they have already looked more competitive this year than they really did at any point last year. Kliff and Kyler have given this team some confidence and they will put together at some point to string a few wins off in a row. The defense just has to stop somebody at some point for this to happen.
27-New York Jets-Gang Green has been killed by injuries to key guys. Darnold, Mosley, Williams, and Jenkins have all missed time due to injuries. The good news is they may get 3 of 4 back in Week 5 after the bye. They have looked like shit on offense though! Through 3 games the Jets defense has more points (14) than the offense (12) and this was definitely not the start Adam Gase wanted in NY. He is already being slammed for not being creative enough. The Jets need to turn it around quick or Gase’s stay in NY will be short lived.
28-Denver Broncos-As expected the defense looks solid. Not great, but solid at the very least. The offense is fucking atrocious. I was wrong and Flacco really blows! The schedule doesn’t really lighten up either for them going forward. There are tough games littered all over the schedule. Flacco better figure it the fuck out or Brandon Allen is going to see some time.
29-Pittsburgh Steelers-With the talent on the roster the Steelers will remain competitive, but they may not win a whole lot of games. Rudolph is decent, and played better than expected in SF, but he’s just not good enough to win them too many games. The defense forced 5 turnovers and the offense only turned it into 6 fucking points. That is inexcusable for an NFL offense and it sure as shit won’t win any games.
30-Cincinatti Bengals-With the exception of the Week 2 matchup against the 49ers the Bengals have been extremely competitive this season and could just as easily be 2-1 so far. They are indeed 0-3 though and even though they have been competitive, they do not necessarily look good. Joe Mixon is MIA and they will not win games without him running the ball well. The defense has been decent but they cannot come up with stops at the right times. AJ Green’s return may make life easier for the offense, but they need to come up with something in the meantime.
31-Washington Redskins-The Redskins looked like they may surprise some people after a good showing in a Week 1 matchup with Philly. Then Guice went and got hurt again and now they are pathetic again. Keenum turned the ball over 5 times but he honestly did not play awful. If your team gives up 230 yards and 3 TDs to Mitch Trubisky your problems run way deeper than the fucking QB. This defense is god awful and it’s only going to get worse for them.
32-Miami Dolphins-In the least surprising news of all time, the Dolphins are the worst team the NFL has seen in years! They got blown the fuck out in Week 3…again. That is 3 straight losses by 25+ points and the arguments will soon start that Clemson or Alabama could beat them. This team looks worse than the Browns and Lions teams that went 0-16. They fucking suck! 2 QBS who love throwing the ball to the wrong team. A defense that can’t stop anything and 53 grown ass men that don’t fucking care! This is a complete fucking joke!
There are a lot of bad teams this year. We may be looking at 5 or 6 that only win 2-3 games! There is plenty of more football to play though and we will certainly look forward to see how everything plays out.